if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
