you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
