Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
