She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
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