Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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