I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
