My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
