I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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