Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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