I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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