Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
wrigley field is MILF paradise
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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