Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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