one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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