I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
