He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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