I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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