i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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