Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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