Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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