I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
