i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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