so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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