Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
