At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
