My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
