Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
