i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
