My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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