The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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