I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
