We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
