True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
