You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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