I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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