My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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