I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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