His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
