you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
She needs sedatives and a leash
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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