WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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