no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
We're too hungover to prance.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
