I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
