youre lurking in front of me
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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