ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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