you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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