Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
