if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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