just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
