My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
