today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
