dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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