You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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