I want to walk on stilts...naked
we're chasing vodka with high fives
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You're like the curious george of whores
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
