I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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