You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
