Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
